Some Days

Some days are joyous.

Some days are numbingly empty.

Some days are full.

Some days are easy.

Some days are a battlefield. 

Some days are peace.

The waves come. They're either gentle, allowing for meditation or play, or they're roiling, threatening to carry me out to the depths. I can see the clouds forming & start bracing myself for what's coming, already wishing for peace.

Always Too ....

Why am I always wrong? You can have friends...makes friend...nope - wrong friend. You can do things...does a thing...nope - wrong thing.

I've never really fit with "normal" society & "normal" things. I mean, yes, having BPD is like being a social chameleon so I appear to fit in. "I want to break free," to quote Queen, but I hear my parents & my husband say "That's not practical." I don't care about practical. I want whimsy, impractical like at least 50%.

I wanna be a hermit hobbit faery.

The Silent Breakup

Friendships have a way of ebbing. At least the ones that aren't meant to last. Looking back over my life, I've had several best friends that eventually just drifted away. I don't know which is worse: a breakup that's loud (aka abrupt) or a breakup that's silent.

A recent friendship that I thought was fairly strong, but not inner circle strong, has begun the silent breakup process. Although it still hurts, I saw it coming. Losing a friend is never easy, even when it's just the natural way of things.

This reminds me of a vision I saw some time back: I'm looking into a mirror and see faces (no distinct features except to know they were human faces) come out of the shadows for a brief time before moving back into the shadows. I desperately want them all to stay, but they always retreat.

I'm all the more grateful for my inner circle of people who have been a constant over the years.

Stormy

 This week has been stormy.

It started with a conversation last week with a getting-to-know-better pastor's wife friend about generational curse/trauma, which brought me some clarity. It then began to cloud up further when my pastor asked about my thoughts/feelings - especially where our kid's ministry was concerned. I told him what I could find the words for.

Tuesday, the storm was getting louder. I was able to find a picture that describes what was going on inside and shared that with my pastor. His response let me know that he sees me and understands, even if he can't provide any solutions.

Wednesday, the storm was roaring all around me. I was able to escape into a book for a few hours, but the storm was waiting for me when I finished. I decided that I was going to skip prayer meeting and go to the gym. I actually felt a bit of happiness after.

Thursday, I was feeling OK -- not as happy as Wednesday but the storm was quiet. By that evening, it was roaring loudly again. I opened up completely to my inner circle. After doing that, I realized that I'd opened up to one person too many about what was happening (see Tuesday) and felt very vulnerable and naked. One of my people suggested that I didn't have to tell him everything, to which I responded that I wanted to tell him.

This is the conversation with my Bestie, which I relayed to my therapist:

I'm not sure if it's the demon or THE Demon that's showed up. Either way, the dark crazy is out - in addition to the storm (which has been ok mostly today), thoughts of "why am I sharing myself with him? He doesn't care..[well, he cares enough at least right now]..he's gonna leave eventually" about my new friend, and "run away emotionally b/c he's not really safe" about my husband (which, by the way, is unfounded). I feel like Emily Rose from the movie The Exorcism of Emily Rose. She gets demon-possessed; the family call the priest for exorcism, which isn't working; Emily dies; priest on trial. (Based on a true story.) Anyway, during the exorcism, Emily sees Mary in a dream/vision and is told (paraphrasing b/c it's been a minute) that this suffering is for a greater...cause? testimony? That's the part I feel. Except I'm not possessed. I'm tired of trying to find the root to fix. I almost dread my appointment tomorrow with my therapist.

Friday was my appointment with my therapist. We didn't try to fix the problem. We simply talked about the problem. Having emailed her the conversation ahead of time was very helpful so that she could tailor the session to what I needed. I felt better after that.

Now to see what today holds for me.

Inner Circle

 I let him read the last entry. He jokingly said that he totally rejects me, so for now I'm ok. But what if sometime in the future he decides to abandon me? I mean, it's kinda too late now because he's made it into my inner circle. When he does leave, it'll be ripping off the Band-Aid and having the scab go with it. I won't think about that today and enjoy the friendship while I can.

What If?

 What if behind the gentle, calculating eyes is a decision that he rejects me? That he decides I'm too much -- too risky, too whatever -- to keep around? I know that's the BPD talking, but it's the thing that terrifies me - a thing so vulnerable that I can't express it out loud in fear that it would become true.

It's Real

I've really been slack on my writing - both in my journal and on here. Over the past several months, I've put too many irons in the fire it seems, and I'm having a hard time keeping up with them all. Like, one iron is having a pile of books that I want to read, most of which are borrowed. Another iron is having a new business to run..and not really seeing much success from it. And yet *another* iron is writing blogs for both personal and professional work.

And I'm drowning.

And I can't/don't want to give any of these irons up.

The question for December has been for me, "Am I enough?" My resounding answer has been "NO!" which has led to many, many days of depression as well as one instance of self harm which has led to the increase of my medicine which seems to be helping some. I actually woke up yesterday in a feeling much better and was productive - even if for just a couple of hours. Today's been the same way - I've gotten up, brushed my teeth, and tidied up the living room. However, the darkness still looms over me, ready to descend and devour my soul.

But I will be fine. I am a fighter. I will come out of this stronger than I was before.